Uber Piratey Squad Inaction (Collaborative AAR)

[Iazo]

((This is the AAR thread for the community game organized here. https://openxcom.org/forum/index.php?topic=7187.0
The clerical work is all done there. While in-character or out of character interaction is welcome here, try not to be too offtopic, thankyou.))

Captain's log day 1: It was a long day. I woke up today groaning expecting another battery of goddamned tests, and through a string of WEIRD circumstances, I ended up on an Airbus, escaped the research facilities alongside 6 other dweebs, and they fucking elected me CAPTAIN. First of all, captain of what? Why? I have no goddamned clue. Apparently, everyone voted for themselves, except some lady who voted for me. She's there in the corner looking at me with a creepy grin on her face. What the ever-loving fuck.

Captain's log, supplemental: We arrived in a ...cave? Somewhere in Africa? And 3 other VERY busty gals are also here, along with 10 other random rag-tag group of dirty villagers.





And they're all babbling about some kind of shadowy benefactors that helped us meet, set up this cave for us, some kind of shadow plot and that we're destined for great things. And I have a duty as the leader of them all to make it happen. Oh and that they expect a salary of 100 k $ EACH.

Wish I didn't get out of bed this morning. I need a drink. Where am I supposed to get that much money? For that matter, WHAT IS MY SALARY? 0, that's what.

MEETING THE DWEEBS:

Alright, since I have to 'lead' this place, let's look at who the peeps are.


This one kept playing with a dagger during the Airbus flight. Challenged me to a game of 'five finger fillet'. I declined. Dweeb.



Creepy smile girl. What the hell is she doing?




This one was swinging an axe around. Why does she have an axe?



Didn't see her much, she was piloting the bus.



This one's so thin, it's a surprise she can stand up at all under her own weight. Apparently, she was on some kind of protest called 'hunger strike'. What in the everloving fuck. Who does that? Dweeb.



She has a murderous look about her. Lurked in a dark corner all flight. Looks like she means to RIP AND TEAR. Restless hands. What have I got myself into?


That's enough for today. Gonna go take a bath in the sewers. I hear they have glowing water down there. My favorite. Will resume once I get some new things to write about. Or not, if the Academy charges down the door tomorrow.

-- 2019-06-14, edit by Meridian, resized the images

[Kharim]

Great job! I hope we get this kind of reports till the very end of collaborative playthrough, also shouldn't it be "in action"?

Wysłane z mojego Redmi 6A przy użyciu Tapatalka

[Iazo]

(It's a joke. It will be more apparent soon. I finished my turn, just writing it up now.)

[Kharim]

Just as i thought, cant wait for full aar

Sent from my ZAX 1.2

[wolfreal]

Cool!. This is going to be interesting.

[LytaRyta]

excellent! :DD )

but it would be a bit better, if you could add also screens of girls´s equipments and images of every gals, too 

[Iazo]

Captain's log, day 1 (again).



My god, am I a chocolate fireguard around here? The 'Head Brainer' - what a pretentious title, everyone gets a title nowadays - approached me and told me she took the liberty of clearing out some of the junk in the storage. And also that she has two friends that agreed to come join us for 400 k, and 100 k per month salary. The only reason I haven't fainted is that I'm way past caring. We, apparently, have 10k left. And I have to pay 500k $ in 30 days. I told her to go fuck herself, and she said that she intends to do that, later. What?


She further said that they can help with the money...indirectly. Apparently, the world governments sent an emissary with some cash to help us if we annoy the Guild, the Academy, the Church, with the promise of more if we do a good job. Does everyone in this place have a death wish? What's wrong with just...leaving for the nearest Zone, you know? Why don't the fucking governments annoy their own opponents? How come everyone in here is part of a shadowy cabal that knows more than me?

Head Brainlesser got back to annoying me about what the overpriced dweebs can do. Apparently, they can interrogate random people, teach the random riffraff we have around the cave to brew alcohol, and show us which side of a blunt club goes on an enemy's head. I fully expect we'll need the alcohol. Scratch that, I will need the alcohol. But first, that they want to go visit the nearby town. Great idea, maybe with less of them around I will have less chance to be ambushed by whothefackknowswho letting me know they've invited Star Gods for tea. I prefer it to be a surprise when that happens. Less time to ponder whether or not to scream before dying.



Captain's log, day 1 (but later):

Fuck. Some random runt that was manning the radar system (We have a radar system? WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?!) ran in screaming that there's an UFO contact. Apparently, the whole base knows, and the 6 dweebs ran to the hangar and flew off in the airbus. Three of them did not even put pants on.

...they left...without pants on. Just..why didn't they have pants on? Why did they leave without pants on? I'm confused.

Supplemental:

They radioed back to the base. (We have a radio? Why does no one tell me these things?) It's an Academy airbus, apparently circling the desert. Looking for us no doubt. Told them to gtfo and not be seen.



They listened to my wise order, of course.



NO THEY FUCKING DIDN'T, THEY JUST WAITED FOR IT TO LAND THEN RAN OUT AND CLOBBERED EVERYONE WITH THEIR FISTS.




They were smug as fuck too. Great. Let's see. Adding one count of grand theft auto to the list, 6 counts of kidnapping, 6 counts of assault and battery, 3 cunts of indecent exposure and one count of setting the fucking grain field on fire. Sure. Why not.



The ones that ran around without pants reported feeling insanerbraver. Apparently the feeling is quite exhilarating and they're eager to experience it again.

They're insane. I want out.

[Iazo]

Captain's log day 4:

So, the last few days have been quiet. Cryptic moaning excluded....is this cave haunted? Odd.

I admit that I hoped this was a bad dream, but things started to settle around here. It's not so bad, if one can look past the feeling of palpable despair and certain doom. The town near the cave is pretty.....nice(?), but I admit that they do not seem to be selling anything worthwhile. The leader, named Jack, took a liking to us, and promised he'll help as much as possible. Yeah, as if. Apparently, we need contacts that can supply us with stuff, and lots of dollaroos. 'Help', my arse.

The new 'brainers' arrived and even taught the runty riffraff how to sew some half-decent clothes...not that many seem to be using them, mind, I still keep seeing people without pants (or skirts) on.

We've also gotten some notes from the nurses in the other airbus. No one seems to be able to tell me what's in them, apparently they need someone reading them for one full day. Illiterate buffoons.



Captain's log day 6:

I am starting to hate that radar runt. This time, she raised hell about some random riff-raff running around the desert. First of all, how does RADAR detect people on foot? All I got was some shrugs and "It just does." Did no one pay attention to electronics class?



I actually managed to order everyone to put clothes on this time before doing a flyby of the riffraff. They followed then around before the bus ran out of juice. It's some dudes in black clothing with guns. Strolling in the desert. Totally normal. Head brainer says that we'll eventually find out what they're about. Or not. Thanks, I feel enlightened.




Day 8:

Well, some mook from Jack's town came running in today about how the riffraff have been starting trouble on Jack's turf and he wants them out...permanently. No sooner he said that, all 6 gals ran off to the airbus. Seriously, does anyone do anything I say around here? I would have given the order regardless, but it would nice to actually be a captain for once, you know?

Small wonder. Everyone had clothes on.



Supplemental:

Creepy smile gal sent me a selfie with a kissy face, an axe and a gun we stole while escaping. What the everloving fuck. "about 2 lay down the law on sum baddies xoxoxo <3"



They've kept me updated on what they've been doing.

Dudes actually had guns and look dangerous as fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. That looks sharp.

"xoxo dey burn ez"

"lol tempting ivy now has more holes in her skirt than b4"

Iria before she missed ALL 6 SHOTS. Who gave her a gun?

Evil Gun being evil and decapitating someone with a cannonball. Impressive.

This shotgun is not very good....

Some hapless gal ran out of the house and got shredded. Grisly. Small thanks my gals know what cover is.

Crazy restless hands gal taking an arm off with a chainsaw. WHO THE HELL GAVE THEM A CHAINSAW?!

"i dun wanna set the woooorld on fiiiiire...."

"...all i want is 2 start a flaaame"

"in ur <3 !"
 


The report had a bunch of lipstick smudged over it.



I can't stand them. This much concentrated smugness should be banned from this base. And the runts STILL have not learned how to make drinks.

[Iazo]

Log, Day 9:

Base was in a ruckus again, gals took the airbus to chase some guy in a two-seater. No luck. Might as well, the list of probably illegal stuff we did is getting kinda long.



Day 10 (really late):

Another Academy airbus. This time I actually got to order the gals to go get it. Note to self: Order them to put clothes on next time. All I got was "Yes ma'am!" and they all ran off in various stages of undress.



The reports from the field were...disgusting. They landed in a swamp and apparently they had entirely too much fun 'wrestling' the nurses around in the mud.



They came back tracking mud all over the barracks, entirely too pleased with themselves. Apparently the consensus is that this is some kind of game to them. One of these days one will them will come with a bullet in the head, and they'll fucking blame me, I just know it.



Day 11:

Head Brainer barged in today. She said that the brainers have...'researched' the two saved gals thoroughly. And that they asked the runts to 'recruit' them too. I swear, does everything have to be a sexual innuendo around here?



All that's left is for me to meet the two new dweebs.



They don't seem very impressive to me, but then again they had the good sense of not charging out of the house to get diced by the dudes with cutlasses, so I count that as a win.

Anyway, after that Head Brainer droned on and on about all kinds of random stuff, and even asked me if I thought gals are superior? What kind of question is that? Like, duh, of course we are superior, everyone knows that. After that, she said she wants some dogs around. Fine by me, maybe the gals will learn how to behave if they have some positive examples around.



Captain's Log: day 23.

I have been neglecting writing in here. To be fair, nothing much happened these days. It was pretty quiet, and I've had time to get...'acquainted' with Savage Basilisk. (Oh no, I'm doing it too, now.) She's really intense and fun, but I worry that eventually she'll cut off my face and wear it as a skinsuit. But I have a plan.

The crazy chainsaw gal informed me today that she wants to be known as Pere Kryl from now on. That it's a revered name in one of the old earth languages meaning 'father rip and tear'. I wanted to tell her she can't be a father of anything without the equipment, but I remembered she has a chainsaw. Good choice.

Other than that, nothing much happened except the brainer gal barging in at exactly midnight every night and yelling at me about some random thing or other. Usually it's a random mix of esoteric philosophy, and practical knowledge everyone should know.

I gave the order for the runts to dig a new swimming pool. All I got in return was "Yes m'am, one extractor coming right up!" I wanted to say something, but they left running before I could get a word edgewise. I sense a trend in here.

I've been told that another airbus has been sighted. I only got word after people were already en-route. I only wonder how many of them went tits-out this time.



I'm way past caring. I'm just happy that Jack is paying us for all these airbuses. At least I will be able to pay the salaries of everyone that is dicking around....cause me and the gals won't see a cent.

Day 27:

Field trip? FIELD TRIP? I've woken up today to the sound of giggling. Runts and brainers huddled around the radio, egging the gals on. Apparently, they took the airbus on a 'retaliation' against the Academy.



Most of them went naked, because "It will strike fear in the hearts of our enemies, boss." Dipshits.

This is one of the pictures they sent back. Poor academy flunkie.


Apparently, most felt increasingly confident that they can handle ANYTHING. Still, the 4 prisoners they brought back fetched us a nice ransom. I am starting to warm up to Jack, he makes for a pretty good fence.


In order to placate me, the brainers came up with the idea of starting to annoy the Guild too. GREAT! Now we'll have two factions who want us dead.


LOG DAY 1, MONTH 2, YEAR 2601:

Well, Head Brainer barged in, dragging a ruffled government representative with her. Apparently, he's here to commend us for a job well done and to hand us a briefcase with money. While it's no treasure, I could pay everyone, and even have some leftover.



CORRECTION: HAD some leftover. Head Brainless took it all and told me another of her 'friends' will arrive soon. I tried to object, but she started showing me some graphs about how they're actually earning us money and that it makes mathematical sense to hire a full team as soon as possible. I suspect they're just blowing it all on crack and wenches.

[Iazo]

Captain's log, Month 2, Day 7, Y1

Well, today was a new one. Received a tip from an anonymous party that a prisoner is being held against her will in a brothel in Tower of Souls. To be fair, it was not the first time we received such a message, but this one was actually in range of the Airbus, so I had the gals check it out.



Surprisingly, the message was true. A bandit-run brother was keeping an uber gal as the main attraction. Guess the attraction was so good that it attracted an airbus full with other uber gals, harharhar.



The fight was pretty uneventful, or so the gals tell me. The only noteworthy thing is that they recovered a large caliber Magnum gun from one of the bandits. Oh, and the Uber gal. Runts got around 'recruiting' her as soon as they arrived.



In other news, the head brainless actually barged in today screaming something about fire. I was about to panic, but she tossed me a red cannonball. Fucking dweebs. What would have happened if I didn't catch it? Boggles the mind at the lack of foresight.




Day 9

IT HAPPENED. IT FINALLY HAPPENED. I told them so many times but noooo, anyone listen to poor ol' Skeleton? Nope they don't. Another signal on the radar, and the dweebs were in full hurry to get there. Didn't even listen to the radar runt when she told them that this one is larger than an airbus. 5 of them ran off, pants in hand, and they dragged a poor mangy mutt along with them.



Fucking surprise!



Guys in personal armor and machineguns were waiting for them. It was a trap, Academy learned their lesson! It was a fucking trap, and two of them were tits out, swinging cattle prods. I hate them SO MUCH.

Tempting Ivy ate a serious shot in the gut which strangely only seemed to enrage her further.

Velvet gloves were off and lethal firepower was employed.

Savage Basilisk didn't care that she was naked, but at least she had the good sense to retreat when outmatched.

Ultimately, it didn't seem that these guys are especially fireproof, so they panicked after being pelted with Molotovs.

In the end, the casualty list for us was short. Only Tempting Ivy looks like she had a bad day, but the brainers say that they'll have to keep her under 'observation' for about 40 days. The good news is that we scored quite a bit of equipment, and Jack was ecstatic, saying that a Runabout is worth quite a bit of money.



The equipment is the good part. Frankly, I started to become a bit concerned about the gals, always running off, bat in hand. I actually had the runts hide some extra guns in the Airbus. Y'know...for emergencies.


DAY 10

Today the brainers presented the gal we saved for inspection. She was pretty composed for someone who went through hell.



Other than that, a representative from someone calling themselves "The Mutant Alliance" called. I heard of them, they want to protect mutants and freaks like us from random hate attacks, which I think is a worthy goal...but everyone has an ulterior motive. In any case, they wanted something simple enough. Break up a drunken party of some people they called Humanists, responsible for murder, and summarily execute them.



The gals MOSTLY listened to me when I asked that the humanists be brought back alive. Accidents happen, y'know? We're not hitwomen for hire, and I've no reason to trust anyone selling us a sob story, but oddly enough, seems the Mutant Alliance were not lying about these guys. Nasty pieces of work

Day 10, but later.

Okay, this one was....odd. Guy from Jack's town shows up at the door. Says they got good information that there's gonna be a human sacrifice in the jungle soon. I asked how the fuck would he know that, but he just shrugged and said that he doesn't care if we believe or not, it's a favour Jack bestowed on us for selling him the Academy Runabout, and we'd better get a move on before all we get to rescue is a bunch of entrails.

Fucking cryptic mooks. Gals got dressed and left.



The situation was pretty grim. Gals got showered with poisoned darts as soon as they stepped off the airbus, and the natives were in no mood to communicate, negotiate, or otherwise be reasonable. So, gals engaged in the universal language everyone understands, violence. (Fucking hell, I sound like one of those brainers right now.)

I have got to get rid of those pieces of crap. Gals like them but they're useless.

This one is not much better.

Savage Basilisk being Savage Basilisk. When everything fails, try fire.

Father Rip and Shred is up. When fire fails, try some stabbing?

  I have to ask, what the fuck are those natives made of?!?! No less than 14 puncture wounds and still alive?



DISASTER. Savage Basilisk fired the cannon inside. "Sorry boss, I slipped." Fucking idiots. Everyone is wounded. Amazingly enough, no one died, not even Doggo.



This was a horrifying slog. Gals had enough good luck today that no one died, and they came back with the captive in one piece.

As a reward for their good work, I allowed them to have a party. Gal they rescued was pretty 'thankful' too.



I am exhausted, but my plan is almost complete. They will not expect a thing.

[Iazo]

Feb 21, Year 1

This will be hopefully my final entry. By the time the bastards realize what I've done, it'll be too late to catch me. Maybe they won't even care. But to the next gal who's gonna read these things and try to herd this army of willful cats, good luck. You're gonna need it.

First skirmish against the Guild. Given the fact that the last operation of this time went so well, I only protested mildly at the recklessness.

With about half of the gals confined to 'bed rest' by the brainers, some of the new recruits were taken along. Nothing noteworthy happened.

Later:

Runts finally managed to see what the tiny drill was about. Apparently, the original brainers' own damaged ship is still serviceable, and the drill is a key to access a choice of the more damaged sections. In an act of uncharacteristic deference, I got to choose which of the damaged sections we would be accessing. Given the fact that the brainers are sucking the life out of me, I chose the section with the treasury. Everyone called me a Magnificent Queen. Twerps. Wonder what they'd call me if I could not afford paying for their booze and whores.



Later, again:

Shit hit the fan. Again. Radar runt ran in screaming about how a Cutter has landed practically in our backyard and they're likely looking for us. Gals dropped everything and rushed to the airbus (in various states of undress, as that is any surprise to anybody by now). What was a surprise was Savage Basilisk prancing around in MY clothes...I have no words. Hope she won't blow my plan up. I had to let her in on the secret. She's insane, but readily agreed.



The second more unpleasant surprise is that they left so fast, they didn't take doggo out for a walk. Now I have a pissed off doggo and they're one crewmember short. That'll bite them in the butt for sure.

Academy grunts, armed to the teeth. Hope that cattle prod will help you, Flogging Azura.

Well, what do you know.

Rosy Iria ate some shots to the gut, so she plopped down on the floor and started eating raw meat: "Adrenalin helps rapid healing boss."... I have no words.

SHE RUINED MY CLOTHES, OH HELL NO.

I think meat eating might be contagious, to be perfectly honest.

Despite my misgiving, it DOES seem to provide rapid healing. Also, that is NOT how you use a sniper rifle, goddamn.

Well, no use in getting rapid healed if YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET SHOT AGAIN.



Jack is gonna be super stoked about this. An intact cutter? Also, there were some real important academy on board, we've really pissed them off. Mission...accomplished?


Feb 23

Someone broadcast a distress signal on an unsecured channel. A fellow gal beset by some evil bandits! Fear not nubile lady for we are here to save you from being raped by bandits and have you be raped by brainers and runts instead. I don't think she protested vigorously enough though.




Feb 27

Well, this is interesting. Apparently, we're gangsters now. A bank found out about our 'services' so it hired us to protect some schmuck's red barn. "It would be a shame if something explosive happened to it."




I expressed my dissatisfaction, but no one listened to me.



The farmer expressed his dissatisfaction too, quite vehemently I fear.



"Oh dear, such terrible shame you could not protect that red barn. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do better next time."

Feb 27, later

A new target of opportunity. A lightly defended Guild warehouse.



It's time. While everyone is either languishing in bed or being sent off to bonk some Guild's warehouse defenders on the head, I'll slip out. Skimmed enough funds off the top to buy a new identity from Jack. I'll settle in his town. I'd run farther away, but I can't bee too far from Savage Basilisk...I promised I'll do WHATEVER she wants so long as she acts like me around the base for the next few hours/days. And....well...I think I kinda maybe a bit like her. A bit. She'll be close for a visit every now and then. The deception will not last long, but all she has to do is be in my bed at midnight when head brainless is barging in and runs her mouth about something or other. It would be enough for me to get settled in.

To the next schmuck who gets roped into being an expensive figurehead, good luck. You'll gonna need it.


 


PS: I set up an automated overview report of the base. A bit of courtesy.

AUTOMATIC REPORT GENERATED 1st March Year 1

[wolfreal]

This is really great!

[HT]

Camping in the airbus strategies... How cowardly! Although that probably means it's highly appropriate for pirates.

[JamTheDane]

Enjoying this almost as much as playing the game myself.

Now to see if i can actuallly finish it before this run does

[codecimal]

An end of segment research update would've been nice so we know where you stand tech-wise.